{"id":1302,"date":"2018-02-14T10:29:26","date_gmt":"2018-02-14T18:29:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/?p=1302"},"modified":"2018-02-14T16:49:48","modified_gmt":"2018-02-15T00:49:48","slug":"road-rage-is-all-in-your-head","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/?p=1302","title":{"rendered":"Road rage is all in your head"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Two cars arrive at a stop sign at the same time. \u00a0Both start into the intersection. \u00a0One driver speeds through, while the other jams on the brakes, avoiding a collision. \u00a0This driver feels insulted, offended, diminished. \u00a0Who the hell does that other driver think he is? \u00a0He nearly killed me!<\/p>\n

This scenario, and countless others involving merge lanes, contested parking spaces, and aggressive rush hour traffic, are set-ups for road rage. \u00a0The aggrieved party feels a flash of anger and hostility, and may swear aloud within the confines of his vehicle. \u00a0He may “give the finger” in a way the other driver may or may not see. \u00a0He may grumble to passengers about the lousy drivers in his town. \u00a0Sometimes the response is louder and more direct: yelling at the other driver, or even giving chase. \u00a0At the extreme, enraged parties physically retaliate with weapons, or by using their cars as battering rams.<\/p>\n

What’s going on? \u00a0In a practical sense, the initial harm is often trivial. \u00a0A moment’s delay at a stop sign would be ignored under other circumstances. \u00a0The real trigger is what the behavior says about the perpetrator’s attitude \u2014 or more precisely, how it was interpreted by the “victim.” \u00a0Did the aggressive driver proclaim his time was more valuable? \u00a0Did he disregard or disrespect the other driver? \u00a0Was it a power play, a demonstration that “I can do whatever I want, and you’re powerless to stop me?” \u00a0Was it contemptuous? \u00a0“I don’t have to wait for the likes of you, you’re beneath my consideration.”<\/p>\n

Actually, the offended driver doesn’t know. \u00a0One reason road rage is so prevalent is that the outsides of motor vehicles are inscrutable. \u00a0We can’t read the nonverbal cues of other drivers. \u00a0A car with a mean, aggressive driver who couldn’t care less whether you live or die looks very much like a car with a driver who honestly thought it was his turn to enter the intersection, and who would be mortified to know you were offended or frightened as a result of his actions. \u00a0While you were cursing and giving the finger, he may have been wincing and muttering “Oops, I’m sorry!” \u00a0But that was inside his own car. \u00a0You didn’t know.<\/p>\n

Road rage, therefore, is nearly always self-generated. \u00a0It’s all in your head. \u00a0Do you tend to think of others as mean-spirited opportunists, ready to take advantage of you, disdainful of your wants and needs? \u00a0Or do you give strangers the benefit of the doubt, assume they meant no harm and didn’t aim to insult or diminish you?<\/p>\n

Either attitude is contagious. \u00a0I recently visited a country with polite drivers. \u00a0I never felt stressed even if it wasn’t clear whose turn it was at an intersection. \u00a0It didn’t matter; we were all content to defer to the others. \u00a0In contrast, when traffic is dog-eat-dog, and when our self-worth rises or falls with our ability to cut through it efficiently, then everyone else is a rival and an obstacle.<\/p>\n

None of this is unique to road rage. \u00a0Yesterday I was in a supermarket express checkout line, “15 items or less.” \u00a0(Um, “fewer.”) \u00a0Ahead of me another shopper was packing up three bags of groceries. \u00a0I stood there steaming as she slowly ended her cellphone call and took her good old time to pay the $63 she owed. \u00a0I rehearsed angry comments in my head: “I guess even people who can’t count still need to eat.” \u00a0I didn’t actually say anything.<\/p>\n

Later I wondered what exactly irritated me so much. \u00a0I could have been equally delayed, yet completely untroubled, by any number of things. \u00a0It wasn’t the wait itself, it was my perception of the perpetrator’s attitude. \u00a0Apparently the supermarket’s rules didn’t apply to her. \u00a0She was self-important and inconsiderate. \u00a0Looming even larger psychologically was her attitude toward me. \u00a0I imagined she didn’t care about me at all. \u00a0My inconvenience was not her concern. \u00a0I felt disrespected, not taken into account.<\/p>\n

These situations happen all the time. \u00a0A patient of mine recently shared how angry he feels when his teenage kids fail to turn off lights after he’s reminded them repeatedly. \u00a0We agreed it’s not the trivial increase in his electricity bill that bugs him. \u00a0It’s his perception of their laziness, their disrespect towards him and his values, perhaps their willful defiance.<\/p>\n

In all these settings, indeed throughout our lives, we react to interpersonal transactions taking place in our own heads. \u00a0Occasionally our perceptions of contempt and disdain are accurate. \u00a0Sometimes brats, narcissists, and sociopaths really do put themselves first, and either don’t care about us or actively seek to hurt us. \u00a0But more often we’ve concocted a story. \u00a0We’ve been insulted, pushed around, treated like dirt. \u00a0And in response we self-righteously strike back.<\/p>\n

How can we escape this hall of mirrors? \u00a0Most simply, we can remind ourselves that our assumptions about others may be mistaken. \u00a0We may recognize that we tend to assume the worst in people, and take this bias into account. \u00a0 There’s no need to assume evil intent when sheer stupidity \u2014 or momentary confusion or misunderstanding \u2014 can account for the behavior.<\/p>\n

More psychoanalytically, we may reflect on our unconscious wish for care-taking and nurturance from others, and the anger that results when real life inevitably falls short of this yearning. \u00a0Such insight may spare us from projecting our own anger onto anonymous others. \u00a0And more philosophically, with years of meditation and discipline we could learn to detach our egos. \u00a0Slights from others have no effect upon the Self. \u00a0I believe this is one small aspect of Buddhist enlightenment, but don’t quote me.<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, on that long road to enlightenment it doesn’t hurt to drive defensively. \u00a0And take a few deep breaths.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Two cars arrive at a stop sign at the same time. Both start into the intersection. One driver speeds through, while the other jams on the brakes, avoiding a collision. This driver feels insulted, offended, diminished. Who the hell does that other driver think he is? He nearly killed me!<\/p>\n

This scenario, and countless others […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[40,58],"class_list":["post-1302","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-human-nature","tag-passive-aggression","tag-violence","odd"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1302","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1302"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1302\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1308,"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1302\/revisions\/1308"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1302"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1302"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1302"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}