{"id":1142,"date":"2016-05-08T13:25:43","date_gmt":"2016-05-08T20:25:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/?p=1142"},"modified":"2016-05-30T12:52:18","modified_gmt":"2016-05-30T19:52:18","slug":"choose-your-actions-not-your-feelings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/?p=1142","title":{"rendered":"Choose your actions, not your feelings"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"flowers1\"<\/a>Again\u00a0and again in therapy I find myself emphasizing the distinction between feeling<\/em> an emotion\u00a0and acting<\/em> on it. Many patients,\u00a0and non-patients too, take undue responsibility for\u00a0their emotions, as though feelings\u00a0were volitional behaviors, the result of a\u00a0choice. \u00a0Often there is a stated or implied should<\/em>: “I should feel this, not that.” \u00a0Note how commonly people\u00a0blame\u00a0themselves for feeling, or not feeling, a certain\u00a0emotion:<\/p>\n

“I should be\u00a0more grateful after all she’s done for me.”<\/p>\n

“It’s wrong of me to get\u00a0angry at other drivers, they’re just trying to get home\u00a0too.”<\/p>\n

“It’s silly to mourn\u00a0the death of my dog. \u00a0He was just a pet.”<\/p>\n

When feelings are viewed this way, we hold ourselves to an impossible standard. \u00a0We expect\u00a0to control what is essentially not ours to\u00a0control. \u00a0If we prefer chocolate ice cream to\u00a0strawberry, no act of will or rational choice\u00a0can convince us otherwise. \u00a0When\u00a0someone or something strikes us as irritating or funny or repulsive, these reactions arise\u00a0unbidden. \u00a0 We do not choose to feel depressed, and cannot opt to feel happy. \u00a0Sexual attraction to one type of person, and not another, occurs\u00a0whether we like it or not. \u00a0It’s true\u00a0that\u00a0we can gradually temper\u00a0negative emotions, particularly global ones such as depression and anxiety,\u00a0by willfully\u00a0altering our thinking \u2014 cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is based on this idea \u2014 and even more reliably\u00a0by choosing situations and relationships that promote feelings we want. \u00a0But on a moment-to-moment basis,\u00a0feelings come and go of their own accord.<\/p>\n

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The mistaken\u00a0belief\u00a0that one can and should be in control of\u00a0felt\u00a0emotions leads to unwarranted moral condemnation, a\u00a0sense that having certain\u00a0feelings is the mark of\u00a0a bad person. \u00a0Self-condemnation of this sort is tragic and can last a lifetime. \u00a0By the same token, it is\u00a0unhelpful to criticize or overanalyze the feelings of another, e.g., one’s spouse or child. \u00a0He or she didn’t choose those feelings, and may not know\u00a0why they arose. \u00a0Calling on another\u00a0to account logically for\u00a0feelings often has an aggressive edge; it banks on the fallacy that emotions are rational and controllable when they are not. \u00a0Analysis of emotions is quite valuable\u00a0\u2014 if\u00a0done in the spirit of\u00a0curiosity, not criticism.<\/p>\n

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Curiosity is the\u00a0healthy response\u00a0to a\u00a0new awareness, including awareness\u00a0of\u00a0a\u00a0previously unrecognized\u00a0emotion. \u00a0It is a new piece of self-knowledge. \u00a0Emotions arise in\u00a0the limbic system, the non-verbal, more primitive brain centers we share with other animals, not from the neocortex, the seat of\u00a0rational thought. The neocortex “notices” and is\u00a0affected by\u00a0activity in the limbic system. This is why we can’t always immediately name or identify an\u00a0emotion when we feel it, and why strong\u00a0feelings\u00a0can temporarily flood or short-circuit rational thought.<\/p>\n

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Actions are different. \u00a0Unlike emotions, they are,\u00a0or should be,\u00a0essentially under our control. \u00a0(Just as willful application of CBT can influence emotions, behavior driven by strong emotion\u00a0sometimes feels compulsory, e.g., crying when feeling sad. \u00a0However, both of these are exceptions that prove the rule: feelings aren’t chosen, behaviors are.) \u00a0Anger or sadness or lust do not, in themselves, compel anyone to do anything. \u00a0Our ability and responsibility to exercise choice occurs when deciding to\u00a0act, not at the point of having the\u00a0feeling.<\/p>\n

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Our actions have real consequences for ourselves and others. \u00a0They can get us\u00a0fired or arrested or divorced. \u00a0They can hurt our loved ones and coworkers. \u00a0This is why it is so crucial to differentiate behavior\u00a0from internal feelings and emotional states. \u00a0Yet many fail to make this distinction, and suppress or deny feelings, often imperfectly, out of fear of the consequences resulting from acting<\/em> on that feeling. \u00a0According to traditional psychoanalytic theory, unconscious effort to avoid awareness of these “dangerous” feelings results in anxiety and other symptoms. \u00a0Much of the value of psychoanalysis and analytically based\u00a0psychotherapy is\u00a0experiencing emotions in a safe setting, by\u00a0separating this experiencing from\u00a0adverse behavior and its consequences. \u00a0(When this separation\u00a0fails to occur, the technical term\u00a0is\u00a0“acting out” if the adverse behavior occurs outside the therapy session, and the lesser-used “acting in” if it occurs within the therapy itself.)<\/p>\n

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Distinguishing feelings and actions is part of the “special sauce” of psychoanalysis and dynamic psychotherapy. \u00a0As with free association, transference, the relative anonymity of the therapist, and other aspects of dynamic work, I believe nothing is gained by keeping patients in the dark about the process. \u00a0When a patient speaks of emotions\u00a0as though they were volitional actions, or fails to separate feelings\u00a0from behavior, I point it out in the hope it leads to insight and greater self-knowledge.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Again and again in therapy I find myself emphasizing the distinction between feeling an emotion and acting on it. Many patients, and non-patients too, take undue responsibility for their emotions, as though feelings were volitional behaviors, the result of a choice. Often there is a stated or implied should: “I should feel this, not that.” […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,8],"tags":[54,41],"class_list":["post-1142","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-human-nature","category-psychotherapy","tag-responsibility","tag-self-criticism","odd"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1142","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1142"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1142\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1160,"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1142\/revisions\/1160"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1142"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1142"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.stevenreidbordmd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1142"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}